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"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,"
- The Mourning Bride (1697) – William Congreve, (Play, Tragedy) spoken by Perez in Act 3, Scene 2.
This story is devoted to LACEY CUMMINGS. She often used to ask me that I wrote of all good things and always sweet. Guess what, I didn’t want to disappoint her.
This is a story of a small time thief, who was also a glib-talker and a charming ladies man and who grew too big for his boots until he was brought down to the earth mercilessly. Money can make life easy but it cannot buy you life itself.
Kraig the crook was thinking of double-crossing Tora but she had something in store for him. DEATH itself! She turned the tables against him. Not a bad deal, I would say.
Was Kraig wrong in his thinking? Was Tora wrong in her doing? You decide.
When a woman is good, she is BEST. But when she is bad, she is WORST.
It is often said, men perpetrate domestic violence. Never a woman is brought into news of violence. Why is that so, when world-over women are doing this and much, much more. Except violence is never associated with them. There are girl gangs that are as beastly as any could be. But that doesn’t make news.
I guess, “the female of the species is more deadly than the male.” (Rudyard Kipling, The Female of the Species, poem, 1911.)
After reading this short story about Tora, I am sure, you will agree.
Tora Maigi – Billionairess inheritor of Maigi Empire
Josh McKenzie – love interest of Tora
Kraig Trounce – small time crook, suitor for Tora
Loretta Bimbette – love interest of Kraig
Jake Kramer – Tora’s father
Diana Maigi – Tora’s mother
Mike Trevor – Diana’s love interest
Travis Maigi – Tora’s maternal grand dad
Dillon – Tora’s butler
It is a three-part play story. So, here we go.
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Submitted: Nov 3, 2008 Reads: 653 Comments: 94 Likes: 19
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Great job Bubbly! amazing vocab and format! :)
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
I really liked this!!!! And I'm not just saying that I really liked this!!!! Ahhh....This was brillant!!! OMG I'm speechless. Loved it so much!!!
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
Bubbly
well this is good my congrates to you keep up the good job
Huggzz
cheryl
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
That was really good. There are a few typos, but besides that, it was jaw-dropping.
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
11-03-08
Bubbly:
Great job! The story really packs a punch, a little gruesome in some of its details but then I am one to talk. I am not sure it is really a "short story" in the traditional sense; it is, I think, more accurately experimental fiction with your freesylse form of presenting dialogue. In some respects it is more like a play than a short story. But I enjoyed it regardless how one would categorize it.
Derek
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
well done B!
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
great job bubbly...I liked how you wrote it. :)
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
I liked this a lot! very creative.
Posted: Nov 3, 2008
great job as always bubbly. when i recieved your comment about woman power i had to read it. too many women aren't empowered, but i do believe people are getting to the point where gender is less of an issue.
great read.
props
:]
as always,
dubl
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Don’t do this mistake. You never know. A cop may kill you in an ‘encounter’. No cop will need a job once they get $ 100 million. You do have a record, right? I can see you turning yellow. As you will go out, everything will be filmed till your death. Whoever claims you will get the reward. So, I will be watching the proceedings with much interest. Don’t deny me the pleasure, buster.
btw
best paragraph in the story haha
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
I like! it was a great read :) brillant work
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
gOOD ONE, I WILL READ IT SLOWER,ONE THING I AGREE,"A WOMAN CAN BE DEADLIER THAN A MEN"
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
hmmm.... interesting
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Well, I certainly love the main character. :)
Lids♥
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
A little violent, but I'm cool. Tara was sort of smart, I think.
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Scared me for a second, everything disappeared must of been a glitch. Awesome story!! where's the rest? I need to read the rest!! no rush though.
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Firstly before i read the story. In response to your summary; yes it is unfortunate that violence by women is not given the status, in mainstream media, that is awarded to violence by men. Even more so for the victims of that violence whose suffering is down-played by popular discourse.
Unfortunately it's not likely to change anytime soon. We still live in a patriarchal, sexist, society that hasn't quite come to grips with the notion that women are capable of exactly the same as men.
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Firstly, great work. The structure is great, the way you sustain dramatic tension makes it a very engaging piece, the kind that you don’t want to turn away from even for a minute incase you miss some pivotal plot development. I also love the ending, nice to see an empowered female lead, and a disempowered male as oppose to the reverse which I’ve found to be common in the decidedly small number of scripts(about 20) I’ve read.
Okay, here are some points you might like to consider addressing, if you where thinking to improve the play further.
The stage directions could use a little more attention. Try to avoid abstractions, and remember your writing these to direct the actors, director, stage manager, and other production staff. In the opening scene for example, its difficult to perform something like excitement in the air, I’m not even sure how you would do that.
Also, a lot of contemporary plays tend to specify movement and action i.e. “JACK walks over to stage right” but this is entirely up to you. After all Shakespeare was extremely sparse with stage direction. If you decide you want to be more specific about movement, let me know okay, I’ll draw you a stage map.
I’m not sure what format your using exactly, but usually scripts specify who is speaking before each line of dialogue, i.e. JACK: blah, blah, blah But perhaps this is just a format I’m not familiar with, admittedly script writing is a fairly new genre for me.
About the dialogue, it’s not at all bad, but there are points where it just doesn’t feel like it should be coming out of the speaker’s mouth. For instance people usually don’t say “I will do this. I will do that.” They interchange with abbreviation i.e. “I’ll do this.” As tedious a process as it may be, I’ve found it very helpful to speak each line of dialogue out loud, and even record it and play it back if you can.
Also the dialogue doesn’t seem to properly reflect the socio-economic status of your speakers. I just find it hard to believe that a small time thief would use words like “adamant” Actually there is no reason why a small time thief couldn’t but it might help to specify why he uses such vernacular i.e., his parents paid for him to attend an expensive private school and he picked up the vocab there.
I hope I haven’t been too critical. I know how disheartening it can be. I’ve just recently written my first stage play, which I submitted to a stage manager friend to have her offer about the same amount of advice as I’m offering you now. But in the long run, it benefited me, and my writing so much, so I offer you the above advice with that notion in mind. But like I said I’m far from an expert on script writing so I might be wrong with some of the comments I made.
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
I liked reading this. It's really dark. I like dark. If you want a comment about the theme, and I suspect you do, it's a bit one sided. $100 million for a hit? He never would've made it to the meeting w/Tora. He's marrying her for money, sure. So did ########### Smith. Would it be fair to put a $100 million bounty on her life if she were still alive? I know you wanted to address the concern about domestic violence but, Kraig never really had a chance to reveal himself as a wife abuser. I really like how you structured this story. It's quite interesting. I give you praises for this story. Don't get me wrong, k? After all, I'm not worth a $100 million hit...lol
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
I LOVED IT! THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THE BESTEST PIECES FROM YOUR STACK GREAT WORK! SOOOO ADDING IT TO READING LIST!!!
Posted: Nov 4, 2008
Great story. Interesting twists in the plot. Each act reveals character cleverly. Never underestimate a woman!
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Very interesting plot there, highly original.
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
this is a great story!!!
everythign was not what i anticipated.
great job!!!
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
It's a very imaginative piece of work Bubbly.
Your play is very revealing,
and I like how you empowered Tora.
You are so right about how beastly women
can become, and it is usually ignored.
My theory on that is; if credence is
given to women we will run the world.
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Hello Bubbly...this is more than craft...if I am allowed to say ...nearly witch craft. You are wasting your time ...you should be in script writing...your pen has magic.
Rahbar.
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Very entertaining story. I really enjoyed your story. Thanks for inviting me to read it.
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
I don't think this is your best. The lack of description made the story very flat, and the male character of Kraig was very weak. With very little description all the characters seemed to to talking in a room with the lights off. I have seen much better from you.
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Amazing piece of work, really twisted and disturbing. The woman is dangerously intelligent, and knows how to get what she wants. I like it!
As for what was said in the summary, it's true. The news only portrays violence by men when there are crimes just as bad, if not worse, done by women as well. It's sexist and patriarchial, even though we have come a long way with racial differences we have an even longer way to go with the barriars of sex/sexuality that divides us.
Perhaps, you can offer us more from this story? I would really like to know if Kraig survives or not! =]
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
awesome! i love it! =)
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Hi there! Good, VERY GOOD. U are an incredible writer. The imagary is very clear. Guess its true wot they say, The female is more deadlier than the male! lol. I hope u coment on some of my writing. Any tips or advice would be appreciated. take care, martin x
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
Hello Bubbly,
First off. Thanks for sending this story. It was really quite amazing and intriguing! The thought that you must have put into it and your use of wordplay really gave it a real sense of feeling. A classic tale of love, deceit, fate, and greed. I loved it!!
As I was reading it, I just couldn't shake the feeling of the Black Widow Syndrome! Greed tends to change people and not for the better! I may have missed one of the father's stipulations to his will but, I think I would have been happy with the initial 50 Million.
These are just my thoughts but... If I had to choose between love and happiness or money, love and happiness would win hands down everytime! Love is definitely harder to find and obtain than money. Money will always come and go but, love and happiness, truly is forever! Money cannot buy love and happiness! Be careful what you wish for, you may get it tenfold!
Thanks again! I really, really enjoyed reading your story!
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
this is a very good short story... how ever i think it can be turned into a skit. GREAT JOB BUBBLY!
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
I love it it has a mafia/the saw movies feeling
Posted: Nov 5, 2008
I am not much for scripts or plays. I like the idea that you had for the story. I like the characters that you incorporated into the story. I like how you showed a powerful woman who is determined As I am going through a situation right now that leaves me powerless. It gives me a sigh of relief that we can stand up for ourselves.
You write interesting pieces and very informative pieces but for some reason I'm just not feeling this piece. I have seen better work. I find the dialogue a bit off of how people would usually speak in this case. When I picture a powerful white woman I picture her words to be more snobbish and uppity her vocabulary more developed. Though I see more thiefs with underdeveloped vocabulary I do feel the words he used were to "intelligent". The reason I say this is because though he may only be a "Small time theif" he is still a theif and thiefs are usually more clever and manipulative then you portray him to be. I mean it takes alot of "going through the loops" to be a theif. And they are witty, clever, smart, and manipulative. So not that he shouldn't be "allowed" to use those words per say, but if he is going to use those words the rest of the character needs to be developed to use those words. I felt how he was presented to us was much lower then what you were trying to make him out to be. If that makes any sense.
Other then that keep me informed as I do enjoy reading your work!
I would still love to
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
That was really good! I liked it a lot.
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
I'm new here, and I just wanted to say that your story was the first that I read... Truly engaging... I found it delightful to read. I look forward to reading more of your work. fantastically creative style, well done! :)
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
Damn! great job no wonder they say that there is no greater fear than when a woman is mad whoo hoo we rock! great job
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
she is a smart woman i wonder what will happen next good job.
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
You asked me to let you know if i blamed Tora. Of course not! Kraig had it coming. Tora's father caused her to be that way.
Dialogue is tough, isn't it? Hemingway was a master of it. Your's is good. Listen, listen, listen to conversation.
I will think more about this little play and let you know what comes up out of the pool. Thanks for a good read.
r t ashley
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
This was so vivid This would make a great novel in a long version I think. maybe you can make a novel at this it is very good.
Posted: Nov 6, 2008
Overall, a good story. Personally, I'm not too big on the play format, as I'm used to reading novels, and I feel it could use a bit of fleshing out, a little more character development... but a much better than average start. The saying goes, "Write what you know." I'm just hoping in this instance, "what you know" is your imagination!
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
The story is quite interesting. The format was also aptly used. In hopes that one becomes a better writer, I suggest that such unbelievable events be told in such a way to be seen as unbelievable. Of course, the format used does not allow much for building a plot in a third-person narrative, therefore, the format was aptly used. Good luck and God bless :)
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
uf! a story in 3 parts! I visit it now to read it later.
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
Likable
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
The story was kinda pointless though.. Like Tara could just let her leave and that's it, no harm done..
But i think it was really cool.. nice one..
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
You had a lot o emotions during the chat. I liked it.
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
It was great Bubbly. I love your emotion in it.
Love Always,
Erin
Posted: Nov 7, 2008
Bubbly, Great storyline and well written I might add. I have to admit it held me from beginning to end, but still I found myself wanting to know what happen the next day.
Posted: Nov 8, 2008
its brilliant!!
really excellent!
Posted: Nov 8, 2008
The effortlessness of the writing, the style of your story and the depth; gives the reader the best feeling to continue to come back for more, thank you.
Posted: Nov 8, 2008
Great job..this was a great and interesting story! When it ended I was hoping there was more...hehe.
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
Woo!!! That was awesome!! Good one!
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
Wow. I LOVE this story! Tora was right to do that. Great job! =D
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
This is very imaginative and creative. Can you do another one?
I would like your views on Dark Weapon the start of my novel bubbly. I would really apprieciate it.
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
I really liked it. Good job. I must read more of your work
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
I'll just make an observation here bubbly, and i'm taking a big liberty in doing so.
This piece undoubtedly has much merit.
In my opinion this ia all dialogue and lacks the very necesssary backdrop to the short story forrm.
I would imagine a script writer would be quite delighted to get it.
Once you get in on it it works.
But the story teller must tell a story ; it is not enough for me to hear her record and perhaps a very succinct recording of conversations.
A tape recorder will record - the story teller must tell ; thats out function.
You have a very clear talent ; imaginative always ,- by which I mean the verbal communication of the visual image .
So please forgive me if I say that I prefer the un- avante garde school.
Your other writings show that your writing is very preposessing - if i may put it like that .
you can take my point and throw it right back in my face ; I dont mean to be an asshole.
Capice ?
Posted: Nov 9, 2008
Cool Bubbly !
It was good one.I think you should start publishing your work in hard bound cover now !!!
Sorry for replying late.
Anyways hope to read some more like this in future from you :)
Posted: Nov 10, 2008
1, I don't care much for dialogues,2,may be you tried too hard to make Kraig pay for a crime he is yet to commit.3, I don't really understand why Lara will pay 100 million just to get an unwanted fiancee killed.
all said, i think your story is one of the best i have read in recent time. the dialogue style makes it easy to follow and the plots simplicity makes one one to drown in its telling. I think your strong points drowned out the shaky aspects.like it.
Posted: Nov 10, 2008
Wow! You left me hanging at the end...what will happen next...???
Part 3 was the best.
Posted: Nov 10, 2008
great job... (:
Posted: Nov 11, 2008
wow! u're creative!! kewliess =3
Posted: Nov 11, 2008
Hey You,
I know it's a play, but, I think attention to setting would have only added to the powerful impact that the story had.
This is definitely a woman scorned. But, I think her anger is a little displaced. This poor fellow thought he was gonna outsmart the snobby rich b@#$%! Well, obviously not. Women and be so vindictive at times. After reading, I almost felt that she didn't really love the man in the wheelchair, but she felt an obligation to take care of him. He loved her though and wanted her to be happy.
As for the thief, greed will get you nowhere, and what is the saying, "Money is the root of all evil." He was already thinking about having Tora whacked...so he got what he deserved, but I just wanna know if there was a hit out for him, how did he even make it to Tora's place alive?
Great overall, quick read...left me wondering what would happen next. You have a couple grammar errors. (Sorry that's the English teacher in me.)
Take care,
Katherine
I've added several new chapters to my story. Check them out. I am sure there are plenty of grammar errors. I haven't taken the time to correct it. LOL
Posted: Nov 11, 2008
when i first started to read , i thought . oh no , i've just got to say its not my cup of tea at all but i stuck with it and to my surprise , i began to see the real bubbly come shining through . you're a star , don't ever change .
Posted: Nov 12, 2008
This is a great piece! It was very engaging from the beginning. I thoroughly ejoyed myself. Keep up the good work! I know i'll be back to read more!
Posted: Nov 12, 2008
A good one. A taut thriller.
Posted: Nov 13, 2008
Wowza! I loved it!! poor kraige xD the ending was great too!!
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
Great story about greed! Tora definitely held the upper hand. I loved her whole demeanor fueled by her bitterness toward her father. Through it all, though, you could still see the heart that made her beat. Great work!
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
Very Interesting! Marriage is no commercial venture anyway... and if it is... better invest somewhere else... much for a petty thief:)
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
Impressive stuff! Pure dialogue; and yet you still pulled me in to imagining the surroundings where this dialogue took place.
No mean feat, Mi'lady!
[And it should give a few Alpha-males something to think about!]
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
I really enjoyed this to be honest. At first I was like.. "?" but now I enjoyed it. I'll give you a love rather than like.
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
Bubbly: When I read the "woman power" part I knew I had to read it. I found myself to stop breathing as I read. That woman is a woman after my own heart. I really like it. Great Job.
Signed:
The Final Release
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
great job
its reali gd
Lauren =] _Xo
Posted: Nov 14, 2008
omigosh this is amazing!! thanks for posting this on my profile!!!!!
Posted: Nov 15, 2008
Yes! Tora is good
Posted: Nov 15, 2008
hy even if it was short it haves a great structure and great job!
Posted: Nov 15, 2008
great job Bubbly as usual. I loved it!
Posted: Nov 16, 2008
This was a really interesting story, I think you did a great job!!!
Posted: Nov 16, 2008
I got the message of woman power from your invite. Tora is a modern woman and what she did was right.
Posted: Nov 17, 2008
Good story line.........It was dark,but i love such stuffs......Nice write.......Keep writing similair stuffs...........
P.S-You still havent commented on my poem Birth of an Angel......please do it when u get time..........
Posted: Nov 18, 2008
That just scares me off, how diabolically evil and vindictive women can be, downright scary.
Learned ions ago, to be on the good side of women ;)
the plot was good, story was nice, but somehow i didn't quite like it all...don't know a reason for it, i mean its good and all. but smthg tunred me off, must be me...sorry about that :D
Great work, keep em comin
Posted: Nov 19, 2008
Hi B. Although Kraig was being punnished for Tora's father's discretions as well as his own you have described Kraig's character so well that the reader doesn't really feel any sympathey towards him. In doing so Tora reamins a bit of a heroine - handing out justice where the punishment is worse than the crime. As a longer piece you can see many twists being drip fed through a stage play. Well done
Posted: Nov 20, 2008
Wow! Ur story is long. took me a while to read. But it was really good. How do U know my name?
Posted: Nov 20, 2008
Sometimes in the life of robbing out stakes kept for ones hearts pursuit of happiness ends without achieving the store of hopes kept in heavens blessings. I was today searching for a song I heard before, it started in these lines... jeevan ka anand... In this lure and hype we comb a magic so priceless in time and Liz Murray would say we leave gestures behind in time. Today I grain as I always thought this world was a fortress for even gangsters and change a constancy in time would say that the blue moon light surface sprinkling dew drops and smile a butterfly sleeping in arms lightening every bit awesome cherished human being once stood apart from the rest and lead the Change We Need For The Nation be lightened in the light and dark may not evade the spacious life in margins even for the blessings that we are all born enormously gifted to seek the change always in our neighborhood like the robber who came down mercilessly in your story and was waved back in time for not the money, nor the lonely days or for the honey as at one point of time the money made robber happy but more he had every fulfillment better understood in him what he was searching ahead in life. Towards the end he clamped down on his golden boots when time was never lost in his life but for the wisdom and insight of his loved adorable ones he was never made a robber for robbing his own life from his loved ones. The robber was made out of living surfaces that turned voiceless once he made the struggle to come out and why would a harvard naive stand out from the rest and land in the midst of the struggles towards embracing the world in 2 months and 8 days if when the time can wind up worlds together for this robber and even when the nose adhered length where would his mothers love stand out for his naive life. It is an origen music than air time that never stand life out of the times. If I was the robber I would certainly had the Lords boots with me before I was mercilessly strayed away from heaven as once Lord even wished he should keep up writing stories in his long book out of the mindset that made even the lords blessing transform time behind circumstances for all & time matters in space we leave. thanks. Please email me your story at abyskaria@gmail.com as attachment so that I can save it for a lifetime. And I would never compel you as your time is precious and valuable as I respect your word and life's commitments. :)
Posted: Nov 22, 2008
love it totally awesome
Posted: Nov 22, 2008
what a great story, you are an excellent writer
Posted: Nov 23, 2008
hahaha tora scares me o.o
Posted: Nov 23, 2008
A very great short story, Bubbly. You are the Enstein of literature - or rather Shakespear.
Posted: Nov 23, 2008
This was an extremely good story! Tora seems like the kind of girl who won't go down easily. (Though she seemed a bit harsh as well. XD) I got a great picture of the characters just by what they said... Awesome job!
Posted: Nov 23, 2008
This is a great start to a film! I wanted to read more, to see if he survived. Probably not - given the odds. I have to admit that the structure of the dialogue and style kind of reminds me of Asimov. His style really lends to theatre, and you have an excellent script which could be complete in itself, or could turn into a blockbuster! Well done!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008
bravo, simply wonerful.
Posted: Dec 7, 2008
o.O Tora's one scary lady... i wanna be like her *grins*
Posted: Dec 14, 2008
I love it...Its amazing..good job
Posted: Dec 25, 2008
Your story is awesome, I cold not stop reading.
Posted: Dec 26, 2008
Haha Tora is pretty scary isn't she lmao!
Posted: Jan 6, 2009
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